On May 12 Mohini Madaan, now Madana-mohana-mohini dasi, who suffers from severe muscular dystrophy and has been told she does not have long to live, shared with me her thoughts on her eighteenth birthday:
My dearest Maharaja,
Please accept my humble obeisances. All glories to Srila Prabhupada and Srila Gurudeva. All glories to your divine lotus feet.
Yesterday was the second birthday of our Deities, Sri Sri Radha-Madana-mohana, and also (as you know) my 18th birthday. I never liked growing old, but time just doesn’t stop!
The last eighteen years have been a wonderful journey. Almost every day was a struggle, but now, looking back, I really grew in my Krishna consciousness. The years now look like a systematic, beautiful pattern embroidered on a cloth, but all I could see was the part underneath, where all the threads were messy. Now I am able to glimpse the real design; Krishna is allowing me to see that. And this vision is helping me accept all that’s coming my way now and all that will come in the future. Before, I would just hear that everything was happening for a reason, but now I am experiencing it, and it’s the best.
The last eighteen years have been like a roller-coaster ride, but with guru and Krishna holding onto me tightly, I have always been safe. Every day is becoming more and more intense; Krishna is testing me more and more. I guess He wants to check how much I love His devotees. I have taken births in so many bodies, and though I don’t remember even one of them, I am getting the feeling that this has been the best life ever. It hasn’t been so nice materially, but spiritually, I couldn’t have asked for better. I could not even imagine how wonderful Krishna consciousness could be. I could not imagine getting this close to Krishna and His dear devotees!
Devotees look up to me as an inspiration for their bhakti. I am far from being what they see me as. I want to become the inspiration they think I am. Otherwise, this is cheating. I want to surrender completely, right at this very moment. But it seems that, unfortunately, my desire is not strong enough. I have so many faults in me. No gratitude, no respect, no devotion, no submissiveness, no selfless love. I don’t want to waste the opportunity I have. I don’t want to take even a single moment in Krishna consciousness for granted. I want to stop being impure. Whatever little time I have, I want it to be filled with pure, selfless love for Madana-mohana (and His devotees)—unmotivated, uninterrupted pure devotional service. I really want to become trnad api sunicena, taror api sahisnuna, amanina manadena, kirtaniyah sada harih. I really, really want to apply aslisya va pada-ratam pinastu mam, adarsanan marma-hatam karotu va, yatha tatha va vidadhatu lampato, mat-prana-nathas tu sa eva naparah. I really want to surrender right now. I really want to please my spiritual masters. I want to taste the bliss that resides in the holy name.
But where will these transcendental emotions come from? You, being an unalloyed devotee of Krishna, have the power to bless me with Krishna prema, which, from this moment, is the only goal of my life, my existence.
According to the Vedic system, on one’s birthday, one should give gifts. So please tell me what you would like me to do for you. I really want to give you something, and I will try my best to gift you that.
Thank you so much for being part of my life. You are one of Krishna’s greatest mercies for me. I look forward to getting your association for eternity.
According to the Western calendar, today is the 78th appearance day of Mother Kirtida. It is also my mother’s birthday. Please bless her, that she may get all the strength required to deal with the events taking place in her life, that she may be successful in all aspects of her Krishna consciousness, and that she may be able to please her spiritual master.
Also, please find attached a picture of our deities from yesterday.
I hope this meets you well!
With lots and lots of love,
Wanting to be yours,
Mohini